It was late September when I started "Marvellous Much." For two months, I labored myself from taking photos to writing to editing and then publishing. I took this as my own, my baby, my little sanctuary. Although I've done several blogs before, this is the first time I have ever done a blog that is somehow commercial and is focusing on a certain niche. I aim to create a professional blog on this one, something that I can give to the world.
Every now and then, before I click the "publish" button, I would see myself stepping back and forth. I know I doubt myself so much. I always see myself as not good enough. Every time I would go public, things scream unto my head - words such as "what will they think of my work?" "Is this great?" "Will the people like it?" I hate this thing about myself. When you lack confidence, you lack strength. I hate myself for this. I hate that I sometimes hate myself.
However, for the past two months, with this blog, I am stripping away inches of self-doubt. After more than twenty posts, I learned to crush pieces of negativity and just let go. I realized that self-confidence is not something you pick up somewhere, it has to be learned somehow. Self-confidence is the product of self-acceptance and self-acceptance is being friends with yourself and all the spaces in between. Everything is a process. Bitten nails won't grow long overnight.
You see, there will always be a part of me that's judgmental and negative and imperfect but slowly I am learning to love that wrong side of me. Maybe if I learn to accept my "crappy-ness" and that I will always be critical of my own work, maybe then I've learned how to truly and unconditionally love myself.
A friend saw me doing the banner for this blog and he asked me why do I spell marvellous with two L's, I said because it was different. People and the system think it's wrong but if you look closely, there's definitely nothing wrong with it. (Marvellous is a British spelling, by the way.) Maybe there's really nothing wrong with who you are, maybe it's just an impression or a common belief others or your own self have implemented on you.
I asked so many times why do I write, why do I paint my nails, why do I blog, and I realized I love the process. I love the color, the expression, the art. I love the combination of photography and communication, everything about it. I just love it. I realized that I blog not because I want to impress everyone but because I want everyone to come into my world. I don't ask that they love me, I ask that they consider who I am and what I do.
My nails and my hands aren't perfect but I accept them for what they are and all that I am built. Fear always exists but as long as I click the "publish" button, I know I've won the battle.
Every now and then, before I click the "publish" button, I would see myself stepping back and forth. I know I doubt myself so much. I always see myself as not good enough. Every time I would go public, things scream unto my head - words such as "what will they think of my work?" "Is this great?" "Will the people like it?" I hate this thing about myself. When you lack confidence, you lack strength. I hate myself for this. I hate that I sometimes hate myself.
However, for the past two months, with this blog, I am stripping away inches of self-doubt. After more than twenty posts, I learned to crush pieces of negativity and just let go. I realized that self-confidence is not something you pick up somewhere, it has to be learned somehow. Self-confidence is the product of self-acceptance and self-acceptance is being friends with yourself and all the spaces in between. Everything is a process. Bitten nails won't grow long overnight.
You see, there will always be a part of me that's judgmental and negative and imperfect but slowly I am learning to love that wrong side of me. Maybe if I learn to accept my "crappy-ness" and that I will always be critical of my own work, maybe then I've learned how to truly and unconditionally love myself.
A friend saw me doing the banner for this blog and he asked me why do I spell marvellous with two L's, I said because it was different. People and the system think it's wrong but if you look closely, there's definitely nothing wrong with it. (Marvellous is a British spelling, by the way.) Maybe there's really nothing wrong with who you are, maybe it's just an impression or a common belief others or your own self have implemented on you.
I asked so many times why do I write, why do I paint my nails, why do I blog, and I realized I love the process. I love the color, the expression, the art. I love the combination of photography and communication, everything about it. I just love it. I realized that I blog not because I want to impress everyone but because I want everyone to come into my world. I don't ask that they love me, I ask that they consider who I am and what I do.
My nails and my hands aren't perfect but I accept them for what they are and all that I am built. Fear always exists but as long as I click the "publish" button, I know I've won the battle.
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