AT LEAST I CAN STILL SEE: Living Life through Amblyopia

All my life, people thought I am just banlag (squint) or someone who has a scar on her right eye. What some people do not know exactly is that I am almost blind. After thousands of eye tests to different ophthalmologists and optometrists, mine is a rare condition called Amblyopia (also known as lazy eye) coupled with color-blindness.

Let us first start with my right eye. If you will look closely into my cornea, it has this white scar that originated by birth. If I will only use my right eye and let my left eye be closed, I will see everything in blur. Because of an inborn scar, there is a small white cast blocking my right eye, I cannot see the details of an image. I only see a vision, a blur, a shape. For example, if there is a calendar in front of me, looking only through my right eye, I would only see a white rectangle with dots and some lines.

Imagine watching TV with white sheer cloth in front of your eyes-- that's the perspective of my right eye.

God must have pitied me so He gave me a fine left eye. It is as sharp as it can be. I could see even the farthest distance. I don't have any problem with range.

To give you an idea, this is how I see through different eyes. Left / Right

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But then, eyes are meant to work as a team, so the right eye is hugely affecting my left eye. That is why when I strain my eyes so much, I am having double vision. According to my ophthalmologist, amblyopia is a condition wherein the brain is ignoring the input from bad eye. Because my right eye is almost blind, the brain is ignoring its input, and letting my left eye do all the work.

Since my right eye has been very weak, my brain has become lazy to control it. It is like my brain has abandoned my right eye since it cannot follow instructions due to the scar. This caused my right eye to wander in different places, trudging where it shouldn't go. That is why I sometimes perceive a double-vision. So, technically it shouldn't be called lazy eye. It should be called LAZY BRAIN.

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Still with me?

To make things even more complicated, I have recently found out that I am color blind. This happened while I was taking up a medical examination for my driver's license.

I think it shouldn't be called color blind because I see colors very clearly, but in different hues. It's like I have my brain mixed up that sometimes I cannot differentiate one color from another. This is most evident during night because there is no light to help my eyes recognize the color. Plus, my limited eyesight has become even more limited due to darkness and artificial lights.

So, driving at night, this how I see road lights: red is orange. yellow is sometimes light orange or yellow green.(I always thought the colors are just different at night- I never knew I am seeing different colors until I found out I am color-blind.)

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Is there a cure?

Sadly- I've been to different ophthalmologists already, and three of them have said that it is only through corneal transplant my eyesight may be resolved-- and they are still not sure. So, they are like saying - you just have to replace your eye and let's see what happens. (as if it is easy).

I sometimes regret those early days when I should have been very adamant to wear my corrective eyeglasses when I was young or maybe I should have been very diligent with my therapy.  Well, I could not blame myself because I was just a kid back then. For all I know, I didn't realize how serious my condition was. After all, I always believed I had a perfect vision.

What saddens me is the color blindness thing. Sometimes, I look at a certain color and I wonder if that is the real color of that thing. Maybe orange is not orange. What color am I missing? Why am I not seeing that color? I am a person who loves colors, you could see it in my fashion, in my things, in my room, even in this blog. So, out of so many people who prefer black and white, why am I the one who is color-blind?

I am also afraid to get blind all the way. I am afraid of having one good eye and bad left eye. It's like having a lost limb. - and it's not just a limb. It's my eyes for goodness sake. How long will the slight vision of my right eye last? What if the blur will eventually go into darkness? What if my good eye can't take the solo flight anymore? What if one day I wake up and I can't see anymore?

But then, I am an optimist child. As long as I can see, as long as I have two eyes no matter what the visions are, I am hopeful. I am positive that God has given me eyesight because He wants me to see the possibilities, not the limitations. He wants me to see what life has to offer and not what isn't there. It's a miracle I can see and that enough is a reason to be thankful.

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People take their eyesight for granted. They wake up every day, they open their eyes, and go to work, go home, and close their eyes again. But not with me. I am very thankful (especially nowadays) when I wake up and I can still clearly see everything around me. Maybe that's the reason why I am very observant, why I love art, why I love make-up, prints, photography, every colorful thing.

I am not giving up my right eye. I plan to go back to eye therapy (thorough eye patch) all by myself, two hours a day. The doctor said there is a small chance- really small-- but I don't care anymore. I want to use my right eye.

I am also thinking of finding a professional vision therapist who could help me improve my condition- maybe removing the double vision all the way.

Last but not the least, I aim to remind all the parents to observe their child, If you see that the child has a bad reflex, clumsy, cannot read, crossed-eyed or squint, please bring your child to the ophthalmologist -- maybe you think they can clearly see-- but please watch out for the signs. If the doctor said the child has to go therapy, please be adamant on giving the therapy. I am thankful my parents gave all the best they could when I was young. They brought me to different ophthalmologist and they gave me eyeglasses even before puberty. Maybe that's why my left eye are still doing great. It's just that my eyes are getting old now as I age so I am having all these troubles again.

If you have normal eyes, please be thankful. Take care of them. Protect them. Rest. Do not overuse them. Wear protective eyeglasses if you must. Stop staring at the computer monitor for once. Sleep. Listen to your eyes.

I consider my eyes as gifts, not defects. Who am I to ask for more- I can see the world around me and I can drive a car!!! I have a choice, and I choose to make the most of what God has given me. I may have this condition--- but at least I still have my eyesight.